If I could convince TNKR co-founder Eunkoo Lee that we needed to start executing volunteers, then she would quickly come up with a schedule with their names and execution times. She would do it fairly and orderly, accepting no exceptions or changes. If I suggested a change, then an argument would start about me being "Mr. Changeable" interrupting the schedule.
That is how I have worked with Eunkoo Lee over the past seven years. She must be convinced, but once she believes in something, she charges ahead.
What she is NOT interested in is public relations or dealing with media. I say this to people, but they don't believe me. But like the minister said after witnessing a baptism, "Not only do I believe in baptism, but I've seen it done!"
* * *
It has happened again! Someone noticed that my bio is much longer than Eunkoo's. I have heard a number of gripes from people over the years, ranging from Eunkoo should be featured more to I should step aside to give her more chances to be TNKR's public face.
I try to be patient when I hear the complaints. So many people in this world have superficial observations, Facebook-like instant responses based on their own biases without knowing a particular situation. Could it be possible that some people enjoy their work and aren't comfortable with attention?
Eunkoo's advocates/my critics don't want to hear it! I encourage them try to talk to Eunkoo. Surprise, surprise, she is too busy to answer such requests, and in some cases they are asking me because she didn't answer their offers to highlight her. When she receives requests from media? She doesn't answer, unless it features North Korean refugees, me, or helps TNKR in some clear way.
Want to receive her bio for a conference or speech opportunity? Good luck! You'd be better off waiting for the dog you don't have to bring you the newspaper you don't subscribe to.
* * *
They say they want to help, but need to learn the lesson: Not every damsel is in distress.
In most cases, it turns out that the people griping about Eunkoo not getting enough attention are multitasking by trying to knock me down a peg. They will start by saying they want to improve Eunkoo's bio, but they quickly will focus on cutting my bio!
When we received a request last week to work on our bios, it seemed to be deja vua all over again. And yes, the helpers were trying to balance our bios so they would be about the same length (meaning, mine needed to be cut to industry standards).
I recommended what I usually recommend: Take the time to interview Eunkoo. Otherwise, her bio will never get upgraded because she will ignore email requests. I posted her bio a few years ago, but that was after a battle with her insisting that she didn't need it and wishing I would leave her alone to do her work. I wrote her bio based on snippets I had heard from her, but moved on. We have many other things to do.
* * *
Charlotte (with some assistance from TNKR Academic Coordinator Janice Kim) took my advice. I have suggested it to others, but they followed through with the appropriate determination. They took the time to come to the office yesterday and spent more than an hour interviewing Eunkoo. I had warned them that it would be a challenge. They probably thought I was exaggerating. I took a break from my own work to watch the show, but I forgot to bring popcorn.
A wonderful thing about life is that I often get to say "I told ya so" because I base my analysis on what I see, observe and experience, not how I hope, wish or want things to be.
Eunkoo was like a boxer, ducking, bobbing and weaving. She was as comfortable discussing herself as someone wearing shoes two sizes too small. She was explaining why she didn't need to upgrade her bio. With all three of us pushing back, she reluctantly released more information about her life and professional career.
I laughed several times as Charlotte and Janice tried to squeeze information out of Eunkoo. Instead of a working professional discussing her career, Eunkoo seemed to be a guilty criminal being investigated by police holding incriminating evidence.
* * *
How could I be so confident that they would struggle getting information out of Eunkoo? Seven years of working with her! So many people do their superficial SNS level assessments based on the way they wish things could be, but they usually don't try to learn about WHY something is happening.
Eunkoo and I started working together in 2013. Our paths to that point could not have been more different. I had worked for years in think tanks, hosted a radio talk show, been a public figure and commentator, etc. I have been featured in media ranging from leftist Pacifica Radio, center left National Public Radio, conservative Rush Limbaugh, and third-party observer C-SPAN. I am willing to share my message and causes with almost anyone willing to give me a platform--it is great when it can energize at least one person into positive action.
Eunkoo had been working behind the scenes at an NGO and a government agency.
When we first started, she didn't want public attention for a clear reason: Korean employers don't look kindly upon Korean employees moonlighting or being engaged in volunteer or work activities outside of their paid job. If you have a problem at work, then people will knowingly talk about the alleged distractions of your outside activities.
When I first mentioned adding Eunkoo to interviews and media coverage, she made it clear she wasn't interested. There were two main reasons. 1) Her paid job. 2) She said she was shy. People don't believe it because many connect shy with being meek. She isn't meek, but she is not public and speaks freely only to the small circle around her.
She wasn't on Facebook, Instagram, or any other SNS. Outside of work, she spent time with her family and watched sports, especially baseball.
During 2014, TNKR started getting some attention, mainly because of Yeonmi Park. I was calling Eunkoo TNKR's "secret weapon." We were starting to get some attention, but she wasn't being included--by choice. I was telling her that she needed to be more of a public figure. People thought I was doing everything, but I would be sure to point out that I had a co-founder who was doing the hard work behind-the-scenes. After she began to open up somewhat to media, I even added her to my bio line at the Korea Times. Check to see how many columnists list others (scroll down to the bottom).
Not only were people getting the wrong perception, but I was getting attacked by idiot conspiracy theorists and North Korea sympathizers who were accusing me of brainwashing and ordering North Korean refugees to attack North Korea. And of course idiot reporters and expat commentators didn't know what to believe. I remember asking one of the idiots: "Do you think the refugees talking in Korean to Eunkoo Lee wouldn't say something to her in Korean about me brainwashing or pressuring them?"
The idiot responded: "Eunkoo who?"
I was telling Eunkoo that she needed to become more visible. TNKR could not grow larger if it seemed to be led only by an American man who was also a commentator. People on Facebook were wondering about the Korean woman that I was referring to, it seemed she was an invisible friend. I gave up asking her to join Facebook. Finally, I set up a Facebook account for Eunkoo and started tagging her. She didn't have to be active on Facebook, but she could be tagged in photos (photos she often didn't want to join and couldn't understand why we needed them).
I would tell her about the latest on Facebook, then finally one day she logged in. She wasn't into it. Months later, she finally started checking it more consistently, mainly after I would tell her that I had tagged her. I was telling her that I needed to confirm that I had gotten information correct. She wasn't interested, but she would check.
Finally, I found the right strategy: I told her that I needed her to "like" everything I posted and it would be helpful for her to leave a comment.
At last, she had a purpose for using Facebook!
I later set up an Instagram account for her. She rarely used it, but would check when I tagged her.
She finally got tired of Facebook, overwhelmed by direct messages from people. She suddenly declared one day that it was too much chitchat for her, that she was too concerned about TNKR's future to be chatting on Facebook. She asked me to shut down her Facebook account. She hadn't set it up, she hadn't wanted, and she didn't know how to shut it down.
* * *
One thing that irritates people is when I say that I, not Eunkoo, came up with the idea and strategy for TNKR.
I had been volunteering for a school for North Korean refugee adolescents, had gotten to know several different North Korean refugees including some who were fluent English speakers, and had realized that I could have a role. I had been engaging in activism, but then I heard from North Korean refugees who had escaped that they needed English, not air balloons or USB drives going to North Korea.
It was humbling, but I listened and adapted. Refugees needed English.
One day I told Eunkoo that we should start helping North Korean refugees with learning English. I was volunteering, but I thought more could be done. I asked if she would be interested in partnering with me. We would focus on adults rather than children. Eunkoo sprang into action, identifying five North Korean refugees who had been teachers in North Korea, but their English levels weren't high enough for them to become teachers in South Korea.
Looking back, all of TNKR's programs and big ideas came from me. If Eunkoo had been in charge, then TNKR would have been like a government agency. It probably would have attracted more funding and have the kinds of measurements that please donors, but would have struggled to attract North Korean refugees. How could I guess that? Based on working with her for seven years!
That's what had happened when she worked at a government agency. They struggled to find North Korean refugees and often had to compensate them for showing up to workshops and seminars. The reverse is true with TNKR--refugees come looking for us! She had once thought North Korean refugees were too passive to choose. Now she is overwhelmed by requests from North Korean refugees eager to join TNKR. It was TNKR that was the interruption in her life that has changed her thinking somewhat.
In our first year, we had many disputes about how to operate TNKR. The special features--refugees choosing the tutors, choosing as many tutors as they want, refugees choosing what they want to study, etc., had to overcome objections from Eunkoo. She doesn't talk about her credentials often, but when we were battling about TNKR's approach, she did focus on her credentials, telling me that I didn't understand North Korean refugees the way she did.
She later reversed, after hearing from North Korean refugees about how much they loved our approach. She had no shame about being wrong, that's how she started the TEDx Talk we did together (and she didn't want to do that either, by the way). She embraced a new approach, and began to reflect on her previous experiences with top-down approaches. People may have their thoughts and biases, but unlike some people who hold onto them regardless of new information, Eunkoo adapts when she believes in what is being done.
I mention all of that to make it clear: I am the pioneer, Eunkoo is the settler in TNKR.
In stories about heroes, change-makers, and historical figures, the focus is on pioneers, not settlers. I doubt there are many or any books titled:
* Great moments in bureaucratic history.
* Paperwork is better than real work.
And if there have been any such books, I bet they weren't best-sellers, they were probably meant to be humorous or ironic, and probably self-published.
It is thinkers, pioneers, inspirational leaders who get the glory.
Martin Luther King Jr. is now considered to be one of history's greatest leaders. His lieutenant, Rev. Ralph Abernathy, is unknown outside of circles populated by historians and civil rights activists.
Frederick Douglass inspires people to this day--the numerous people (mainly women) who organized his internal affairs and made it possible for him to spend months on the speaking trail get occasional mentions, but mainly when it is titillating or gossipy.
I am sure there are other many other pioneers who had a settler or many settlers checking the details.
Pioneers and settlers are both necessary. Without backing, support, and the tools to make things operate, even the greatest of leaders could end up as helpless as Richard III proclaiming, "My kingdom for a horse."
Comedian Chris Rock once said he couldn't do anything on his own, he would go bankrupt even if he sold candy at an elementary school. I can relate to that, and often tell Eunkoo that I could do TNKR without her, but that it would be a logistical and organizational disaster.
Many people want Eunkoo to be a pioneer when the reality is that she is a settler. After our first year of battling, she wrote me a lovely email thanking me for my leadership and teaching her many things about leading an organization. The sheltered office worker was working with a street smart organizer. Despite her master's degrees, she was getting a real education.
Of course, the next email was probably a complaint about me changing something about our process.
Later, she said that she had not been ready for a leadership role, working with me allowed her to be in a co-leadership position without having all of the responsibility.
* * *
TNKR started humbly in 2013. When I began thinking that we could do something bigger with it, I proposed that we should give our activity a name that could attract volunteers. "Teach North Korean Refugees" would be plain, anyone could understand the goal. If we had a good approach, the refugees would find us, we didn't need to market to them. It was like the movie with the slogan, "If you build it, they will come."
I also suggested we give ourselves titles. I suggested co-directors.
Eunkoo said I should be the executive director, she would be the assistant director.
She said then that I was the real founder, so it would be appropriate for me to be the top executive. She also said it would be more interesting for Koreans to have an American who was a Harvard graduate to lead the organization.
I disagree strongly. We had been battling about many things, and this became another one. I insisted that we needed to be co-directors. South Koreans would not respect her if she didn't have a top title. And she also needed to let refugees in TNKR know that she was a co-director so they would respect her authority.
The titles didn't need to reference who was the founder. I had the original idea, but there can be two or more founders.
As tempting as it was for me to be directly involved with North Korean refugees on a daily basis, it would be better for Eunkoo to be established as the person interacting with refugees. More than 70% of refugees are females, so it would be better that they could talk directly to a South Korean female, and for that main point of contact to be a Korean speaker.
She insisted that I should be the executive director, so I finally agreed. But she didn't know I already had a plan. We had been disagreeing so much, so I just waited a few days for her to fall into my trap.
When we had another disagreement, I fired her.
I wasn't sure about her commitment, so I thought it would be a good time to test her.
She went into a rage. She couldn't believe I would fire her. TNKR was barely surviving, we didn't have good prospects, no infrastructure (no office, phone, website, budget, etc.), she had academic and work credentials in the North Korean studies field and refugee support network whereas I had just started. And here was an American with many crazy ideas but no structure firing her?
Yes! I fired her.
For a day, I was the only executive in TNKR. I reminded her that she had wanted me to be the executive director, so the executive director was firing the assistant director.
After disappearing, she came at me, saying I couldn't fire her. Smugly I asked, "Why not?"
She shouted into the phone, "I'm co-director!"
It was one of those moments with mixed emotions, like the old joke of the man seeing his hated mother-in-law drive off a cliff in his new Mercedes.
Seeing the many battles we have had over the years, I sometimes I wish I could take Eunkoo back in a time machine, and agree with her when she said she could be the assistant director, and I would be the executive director. At the least, I wouldn't have volunteers and passers-by accusing me of stealing all the glory and having a longer bio than an assistant director.
* * *
If you encountered me during late 2015 to early 2017, I asked you to donate and fundraise for TNKR. September 2015 was the first time that I asked volunteers point-blank to help support TNKR's pie-in-the-sky plan to become an official organization.
That was my most extreme fundraising phrase. If I didn't or haven't asked you to donate to TNKR, then I am asking you now. Some people don't like it, but I learned the lesson from one of my professors at Harvard. He told the story of a politician talking with a neighbor who was praising him to the heavens.
After that, the story goes, the politician asked everyone he ever met to vote for him. After I joined the Washington Scholarship Fund in 1999 or 2000 as a member of the Young Executive Board, I noticed that many people said they didn't donate because no one asked them. After that, I began asking everyone. With every non-profit I have been a part of, I have asked people if they have donated. A few years ago, I was notorious for recruiting donors to the now-defunct Mulmangcho School. I am now probably notorious for constantly trying to raise money for TNKR.
If we had a funding source, as some idiot conspiracy theorists, idiot reporters, and idiot North Korea sympathizers talked about, I would not be wasting my time irritating volunteers asking them to fundraise or donate. I will ask anyone to support a cause I believe in. No one I know (5,000 Facebook friends, 4,000 TNKR people at the TNKR Facebook group, 3,000 at the TNKR Facebook page, more than 1,200 on the TNKR email list, etc.) can say, "I didn't know I could donate to TNKR." Because I do ask. If many of them gave $5 or $10 a month, TNKR would already be a wealthy organization.
I have said that I would even take money from the Ku Klux Klan, as long as I didn't have to attend a Klan meeting to receive the money.
My greatest accomplishment may be getting Eunkoo Lee to set up a fundraiser. She started with the excuses--she was too shy. She didn't use SNS. She didn't know how to fundraise. Etc., etc., etc.
After many trials-and-errors that had Eunkoo's head spinning, we had decided to make TNKR into an official organization. I talked with many people, but one prominent South Korean was convinced that TNKR would struggle with attracting funding. Korean individuals, businesses and large organizations would not want to support TNKR, and even said that Koreans would not want to support an organization run by a foreigner who wasn't a comedian, athlete or singer.
Eunkoo wasn't ready to be the organization's face attending meet-and-greets trying to attract donors. She wants to do THE WORK. Eunkoo thought we could acquire some support from foundations or government, but that we weren't strong enough as an organization. Plus, she had heard from contacts that Korean organizations were unlikely to support an organization with an American co-founder.
Finally, I concluded there would be one way: activate volunteers and fans to help us raise funding until we could get strong enough.
When I said it, it seemed that I was speaking an unknown language to Eunkoo. She said it was unheard of in South Korea to ask volunteers to engage in fundraising to support an organization.
I am not sure anyone has gone with such a grassroots approach, but I was going to try.
If you think it is great strategy, I would like to take you in that time machine back to that time period, because I was a man alone getting criticized from many sides.
Volunteers were dragging their feet in helping. Quoting some nonsense I had already heard more than a decade before, one volunteer told me directly: "I give my time, why should I give a dime."
It was clear they didn't know our situation, they were confusing us with million dollar organizations that could just plug in volunteers where needed. We were so grassroots that we even needed volunteers helping us pull up the weeds.
I heard about volunteers complaining to each other and spreading the word that I was trying to squeeze money out of them. When I told Eunkoo about it she was shocked and unsure the approach would work. In 2017, we were going to forget about things like gofundme or generosity, and try our own crowdfunding website. After the first month, it seemed the fundraising website we launched in early 2017 would fail. Few volunteers were willing to try, most just seemed to try to slip through, knowing that refugees were waiting to join and that eventually we would need to invite them.
We didn't have another way, so I risked public scorn to raise awareness about TNKR and strengthen our financial position.
Making TNKR into an official organization was the main reason I was so aggressive. I still remember the moment we had 37,000 won ($30) in the TNKR bank account. I told Eunkoo we could not survive like that. We couldn't even take refugees from a Matching session out to dinner. We had to become stronger.
There were some secondary reasons.
* One, as TNKR got stronger, refugees had more respect for us, in addition to loving us. When we had nothing, we looked like a social club. When we started to have expectations, the refugees raised their level of expectations. But we seemed to be mighty warriors going to battle with cardboard weapons.
* Two, as we got stronger, volunteers were more likely to listen to us. Many were serious, yes, but many also treated TNKR like a social club or an opportunity to pluck off a refugee or two and do what they wanted. We needed to strengthen our infrastructure and finances.
* Three: As TNKR grew stronger, it became clearer that we were an education organization, not a political, religious or ideological organization. Some idiot conspiracy theorists, idiot reporters, idiot North Korea sympathizers and idiot North Korea watchers must have realized by now they were wrong about our humble little project. At the least, they would grow bored of us and find other targets. Only one has ever apologized directly for believing wild accusations about me, the liars certainly have moved on to their usual wild claims about other things in this world. I can't be sure, because I blocked them and got back to work.
* Four: As TNKR got stronger as an organization, Eunkoo could commit more. She had worked at stable organizations. Everyone around her expected that of her. When she got deeply involved with TNKR, her parents, especially her father, were skeptical. When TNKR was featured on a cable TV special, her father said she was out of control. That golden moment could not have been scripted or planned, I am sure the cable TV people were high-fiving each other as her father blew up the scene.
TNKR was such a downgrade for Eunkoo in so many ways. It wasn't unusual for me, I had worked at really large organizations, but also had start-ups with only my only money financing things. I am like a leaf floating in the wind. Eunkoo was used to stable situations where start-ups tried to network with them.
Settlers don't jump off mountains or go into new territory alone. Pioneers must plant the flag or find the place for a settler to feel comfortable.
At the beginning of 2017, as TNKR started to get stronger, I wrote a column about the way Eunkoo had developed. I had shown her the column in advance to confirm she was okay with everything I had written, then the day after the column was published in the Korea Times, Eunkoo informed me that she was going to quit her paid job to volunteer at TNKR full-time.
The settler felt comfortable enough to move to the new territory.
* * *
Many people think that I work hard and that I am busy. That isn't true.
In college, I sometimes worked as a mover to make some extra cash. I know from experience that physical labor is hard. Construction work is hard. On the other hand, having meetings, writing columns and blogs, organizing, making and receiving phone calls, sending emails, posting and blogging, that isn't hard work. When we recently relocated the TNKR office, I was happy to watch others do the moving, thinking back to my college days as a part-time mover.
The heaviest thing I lifted during TNKR's move on March 9th was a stuffed teddy bear.
And busy? Do you think I would be too busy if Bill Gates called me offering $10 million for TNKR? We make time for that which we value. And the same with you--when something is in your interest, then you make time for it.
On the other hand, Eunkoo is busy. She is in a constant rush to finish assignments and tasks. She is stressed out as she is completing those tasks, worried that she won't finish ahead of schedule. Deadlines don't matter, Eunkoo is sprinting to finish once the bell has rung.
* * *
During our first year of working together, we had many disputes.
When we were finally working together in the same office, I predicted that the disputes would escalate.
I was right. Some people come along and say we work together well, which usually causes me to laugh out loud. I tell them, "You really need to hang around the office more." I may be in charge, but I'm not in control, as I have heard said by others.
Some people assume that Eunkoo listens to everything I say because I am the public face, but they don't realize that she comes to her senses to agree with me only after LONG arguments.,
In most cases, it isn't because of what she has heard from me, but rather, when others come along making the same point or refugees somehow support what I have said.
We have different approaches, this West shall never meet that East.
In the past when I recommended a change, she would go into a rage. She started calling me "Mr. Changeable," her first attempt to counter my constant nicknames for her.
I embraced it.
TNKR needed her to also be "changeable." It took her some time for her to realize that TNKR *must* constantly update. I would tell her: "You are not at a government agency with a huge budget. You are at learner-centered TNKR. That means we will build an organization around the needs of the refugees." She would say she understood or agreed, but her default was still top-down mode and she still has relapses when we encounter new situations. And she still would prefer to keep a set schedule, plan everything in advance.
With her government agency, they would set their plans and budget a year in advance, and they would be evaluated based on how they did what they said they were going to do. In that process, top-down is understandable.
At TNKR, we adapt along the way, we do our best to raise money along the way, we listen to the refugees, we do our best to stay involved with the refugees and tutors although some want to do their own thing. TNKR is like live jazz for me, improvised based on the moment. Thankfully, we have been able to attract enough funding to develop TNKR based on what we learn, rather than trying to satisfy foundations or agencies.
Eunkoo doesn't come up with ideas. She implements them. So much and so quickly that I tell her to slow down.
My approach is IADO: Input, Analysis, Decision, Output.
Eunkoo's approach is IO: Input, Output.
If Eunkoo had become a boxer, then when the bell rang, she would go charging across the ring, fists flying at her opponent. She wouldn't even study in advance about the other boxer, just charge ahead when it was fight time.
If I could convince Eunkoo that we needed to start executing volunteers, then she would quickly come up with a schedule with their names and execution times. She would do it fairly and orderly, and accept no exceptions or executions. If I suggested a change, then an argument would start about "Mr. Changeable" interrupting the schedule.
Once Eunkoo believes in something, or takes responsibility for something, then she focuses on completing it, no matter what. She hates people who just talk talk talk about what they want to do, she wants to organize then complete the assignment. People want her to take credit for papers and other documents she wrote or organized as lead researcher when she was with a government agency, but for her, it was just about completing the necessary tasks her supervisors had planned.
After working with her, I started calling her IAE, as in, Instant Action Eunkoo. She expects others to work hard also. That means she doesn't have time for chit-chat messages, she needs to complete tasks to keep TNKR alive.
* * *
TNKR is the first time for Eunkoo to be a public figure. Even after seven years, she has not embraced it. Others want her to be as comfortable behind a microphone or in dealing with media as I am, but it is not in her DNA.
I recognized there were some times that she needed to be with me for media interviews. But asking her to join was pointless. So I had to develop strategy: Tell media and organizations inviting me that Eunkoo would be joining. In many cases, they had no idea who she was. Then I would tell Eunkoo that the media or organization had invited her!
Yes, that's what I did!!!!
In one case, the station was completely unprepared, they had not understood that I meant she would be joining me as part of the interview. In another case, the host and show manager had to talk separately, they had agreed but they apparently didn't understand I really meant a joint interview. How many people, when invited for an interview, bring others with them? I waited, determined that she would be joining, ready to walk off the set if they said no. Finally, they brought out another chair, and we had a fun interview, they agreed it was better with the interaction.
Instead of telling Eunkoo that it would be helpful or important, I started telling her that she had the responsibility to join me in media sometimes. TNKR needed her to be public sometimes. In one case, she saved me. I was blindsided by a radio reporter on TBS eFM 101.3 who was portraying my column about Eunkoo as being an attack. I had read some knuckleheads on line saying the same thing, it is amazing how expat pundits have so many similar stupid thoughts, they must trade notes of misinformation at the press club drinking sessions. It is amazing how superficial people make judgments about people and situations they don't know about, but nonetheless have strong baseless opinions or assertions.
Thankfully, Eunkoo was there to make it clear that she enjoyed the column and that I had shown it to her in advance. The station had not wanted her on with me, but I had insisted, and it helped me from looking defensive about the reporter's attempt to blindside me. I reminded her at that time that she may think I enjoy engaging with media, but it isn't true. It is necessary for TNKR, but I would prefer to be writing my own columns, blog posts, or playing video games.
* * *
Eunkoo doesn't enjoy media. If I start playing previous interviews, she will leave the room, complaining that she doesn't want to hear herself. She doesn't keep track of any interviews, she rarely watches any. One day I set one of the interviews up full screen on her computer to be playing as she walked in. If she cursed, then it would have been with as much fury as if I had slammed her hand in a car door on purpose.
After greeting reporters, she will turn her back and get back to work.
I will usually find an excuse for them to ask her a question, and sometimes she would be engaged in the conversation, but the clock is always ticking, and she is eager to get back to work.
She decorated the office with photos of me in various activities. I checked, she didn't want to be featured in the office. At our new office, I ordered the staff to print out photos of refugee speakers in TNKR.
When I was invited to give a TEDx Talk, I pushed her to join. She fought her against it, but then I told her that the TEDx organizer was expecting her to join. Then I enlisted a TNKR volunteer to coach her for the speech and to also lobby for her to speak. I can always count on people to want her to join me on stage so I don't get all of the glory!
I leave her with no options, letting her know that others are asking or expecting her to speak on behalf of TNKR, so she had a duty to do so. I hate to give away this strategy, but I also realize that outsiders have plenty of answers without knowing the questions or context.
As someone who is used to public speaking, giving up half of your speech and then having to role play rather than doing your own thing can be difficult. I thought it was important with a TEDx Talk for Eunkoo to be part of it, so I pushed her to join me on stage.
I am amazed after I set the conditions for Eunkoo to be comfortable on stage or at the microphone that I hear complaints that I didn't give her enough time to talk! I know she wants a moment to compose her thoughts in English, so I will answer first. If you see any of our events with refugee speakers, I recognize my place, so I answer AFTER the refugees answer first, adding context, statistics, anecdotes and broader points as necessary.
It is amazing how superficial people make judgments about people and situations they don't know about, but nonetheless have strong baseless opinions or assertions. If I had let Eunkoo have things her way, she would NEVER participate in any interviews or speeches.
It is amazing how passers-by and observers have such strong opinions, assertions and complaints about things they don't know about.
* * *
Eunkoo was avoiding media in our early days. But eventually word was going to get out to her colleagues about what she was doing. She was mentioned in an article or show, some of her colleagues saw it and praised her. They had no idea that she was volunteering at an organization she had started. The quiet diligent office worker had helped start an NGO on the side?
I don't recall if her supervisor said anything. Still, Eunkoo felt encouraged. She continued working hard at her government agency job, but the secret was out. And she had gotten a good response from colleagues who praised her for volunteering. She started to apply things she had learned at TNKR to her government agency job.
Still, she didn't seek to engage reporters, she was happy to translate when Korean reporters came looking for me.
* * *
All of that above is context of me getting an email recently asking if it would be okay to update our bios--mine would be cut to the industry standard, and Eunkoo's would be expanded to be balanced with mine.
After they finished the interview yesterday, I said: Yes, expand Eunkoo's bio, and no, I am not going to limit my bio to balance with hers or anyone else's.
I haven't gotten to where I am in life by following anyone else's formula or restrictions. As I have been telling editors for two decades: "Let me die with my own words."
Back in 2016, I was asked to apply for a job by a professor who had seen me give a couple of speeches. I was asked to submit EVERY article, paper, or speech I had done in my career. They wanted to hire me, but I needed to present that.
I was looking through the Internet trying to find the world's longest bio or C.V. Clicking around, I came across a colleague with a 64 page C.V.
My bio and career didn't add up to 64 pages, but it wasn't the standard one-pager either. I got the job.
Then one day when one of our volunteers wanted to upgrade our Website, I decided to post that list. I had links to many of those items--and promptly crashed our Website. After trying a few times, we deleted the links, and the website survived.
I haven't updated that career backgrounder since 2016, but I have been inspired by this process with Eunkoo that I will start updating again. I wonder how close I will get to 64 pages, and how many complaints I will get from others about how long the bio and career backgrounder are.
I have had a career as a public speaker, writer, editor, activist, researcher, analyst, commentator, radio host, reporter, organizer, etc., while being located in two different countries, with some of those activities overlapping with me living in one country but being active in another one. I had been out of the USA for two years when one of my colleagues asked if we could meet for lunch, he wanted me to help with a research project.
I told him that I was interested in helping with the research, but lunch might be a bit difficult. I was living in Seoul, not Washington, D.C. Others have told me that I respond faster to messages despite a 13 or 14 hour time difference than people down the street from them. Until about 2017, I was active in both South Korea and the USA, but now I have settled down here in Seoul.
There's no reason for me to cut back on my resume or bio in order to balance with anyone.
* * *
In the book "The End of Blackness," super thoughtful author Debra Dickerson asked: "Why can't black people just be?" As I recall, her point was that people are always pushing and trying to use black people for various causes. Why can't black people just be individuals, be themselves? Well, she may have written that in the book, or she may have asked the question in a forum I organized with her about 15 years ago.
I thought about that when I noticed that people were trying to get Eunkoo to be what she is not. Why can't Eunkoo just be? She is not interested in being a public figure. She's not trying to be a public speaker. She is not trying to put together a fancy bio. She wants to do the work to keep TNKR alive.
Without understanding her, they want her to be what they want her to be.
The same with funders, activists, feminists, and others with comments based on situations and people they don't know.
On Friday, Eunkoo came to the office, thrilled. Seoul City Hall had approved us to use the location we moved to as our official business. Eunkoo keeps track of such paperwork, mandates, compliance issues.
My response: "Oh, right, you did mention something about that. I guess the investigator I took a photo of didn't block us."
Eunkoo had mentioned that paperwork issue to me, but she might as well as have handed me a paper airplane and asked me to fly it out the window. It is a strange process--investigators come out to check your location AFTER your financially weak organization has transferred $20,000 to a landlord, secured and moved into a different location, moved out of your previous location that may already have a new buyer. Eunkoo was greatly concerned for several days, while I let her know that I would be protesting at City Hall if they didn't approve the location.
If she hadn't taken care of that and other issues, the pioneer and the organization that he proposed seven years before would have been out on the street long ago. Pioneers need settlers.
If it had been up to me, we probably would have gotten evicted from our first office or condemned by the city.
I don't keep track of details like that, but for Eunkoo it is a big deal. These days she is really concerned about TNKR's future. We have lost some of our contracts and financial deals with partners that we had gained because of my public activities. She is focused on us writing proposals to big foundations.
Every day she talks with North Korean refugees studying in TNKR. Before we had the interview with Charlotte and Janice yesterday, she had an orientation in the morning with North Korean refugees joining TNKR. Eunkoo was thrilled about some of the feedback we received from refugees, it was validation of the approach she initially opposed but has embraced as she has seen positive outcomes and refugee enthusiasm. She didn't develop TNKR's structure or vision, but she is damned good at implementing and enforcing it.
I once read that the iron lady Margaret Thatcher said, "If you want an opinion, ask a man. If you want to get something done, ask a woman."
That is true in TNKR! You will never see this kind of blog or SNS post from Eunkoo Lee, and I wasn't confident she would read all of it (she did, I insisted she had to make sure I didn't miss details and she needed to add necessary points or rebuttals). She is not the mastermind behind TNKR, she hasn't developed strategy or vision. Others want her to focus on media or public speaking and other things she is not interested in. They can't just let her be. When we had an interview with Arirang TV, she said that I was TNKR's brain, and she was the arms and legs. She had not been invited to be on the show, but I deftly maneuvered for her to be on the show.
In this world, people focus on the head, the brain. Being the arms and legs, getting things done internally doesn't sound glamorous in a bio, at least not without a lot of descriptive adjectives.
Eunkoo never would have started TNKR on her own, but it certainly would not have survived without her.
* * *
Charlotte and Janice did it! They spent more than an hour with Eunkoo pulling information out of her. I think they could see that I was not exaggerating about her reluctance.
I was laughing and taking photos, knowing how much Eunkoo was doing her best to resist without being rude. She had battled me in the past, insisting media was my thing, thanking me when I did not involve her.
It was more difficult for her to avoid with Charlotte and Janice trying so hard to feature her.
I heard Eunkoo repeat excuses from years ago about why she doesn't need to be featured, why she doesn't need media, why she prefers working behind-the-scenes. I know she had our next meeting on her mind, she had kept reminding me the day before that I needed to be at the office (on Saturday) for it. She had squeezed in the meeting with Charlotte and Janice. She had a to-do list of tasks even on a Saturday afternoon after we both worked the last 12 days without a break.
Others have griped about Eunkoo not being featured enough (and about me allegedly hogging too much of the alleged glory). Charlotte and Janice held steady, rebuffed Eunkoo's attempts to evade them, then finally got information out of her to make a solid bio that Charlotte wrote up for us to edit.
They don't know how difficult it is to get Eunkoo to sit down to talk about herself, what an achievement it was.
I reviewed the draft of Eunkoo's bio, last night I told Eunkoo about some of the needed changes that I had detected, but that she had to read it carefully. When I checked with Eunkoo this morning, she still hadn't read it. I guess I should have mentioned to Charlotte and Janice that they may need to return, go line-by-line of the bio with Eunkoo?
Finally, after I insisted that she read it, Eunkoo said she will check the bio on Monday, but then she reminded me about our schedule on Monday.
Eunkoo wasn't interested in talking about her past accomplishments within a government agency or a previous NGO when she was just following orders as an employee. She takes great pride in her role in helping to develop TNKR, the way she has personally developed, and that she has been the arms and legs helping TNKR survive.
Every damsel is not in distress. Sometimes they are living the lives they want, even if there are some would-be rescuers focused on people not seeking assistance. I hope no one worries that I am not doing enough paperwork, and starts to arrange for trucks of paperwork to be dumped around the TNKR office for me to process.
* * *
In 2017 when I was in extreme fundraiser mode, I struggled with getting volunteers to set up fundraisers. My greatest success story: Eunkoo Lee set up a fundraiser.
It was half of an accomplishment, because she set up the fundraiser, but the only people she asked to donate to it were her family members. She is comfortable with a small circle around her, but doesn't venture out beyond that. I don't recall her posting it on Facebook or anywhere.
She would, however, SHARE her fundraiser after I posted it. That's right, she wouldn't post her own fundraiser, but she would share my post about it!
I shared her fundraiser everywhere. I don't remember which time it was, after a media story or that fundraiser, but I remember her checking her SNS media and saying, "My goodness. My face is everywhere." She was so embarrassed, and closed each window when her face popped up. The first time it happened, she kept saying she is shy, that she is not used to being so public.
She titled her fundraiser: "TNKR is my new life." She had always enjoyed watching baseball, but she had never played it. When I asked, it turned out that she had never even held a baseball bat, glove, or ball. So I bought them for her for her birthday. We used that photo for her fundraiser, of her awkwardly holding the bat. If she had swung it, she probably would have injured herself.
It may not be the kind of life that others want for her, but she is enjoying her role as a settler being the arms and legs of TNKR.
"TNKR is my new life."
That is how I have worked with Eunkoo Lee over the past seven years. She must be convinced, but once she believes in something, she charges ahead.
What she is NOT interested in is public relations or dealing with media. I say this to people, but they don't believe me. But like the minister said after witnessing a baptism, "Not only do I believe in baptism, but I've seen it done!"
* * *
It has happened again! Someone noticed that my bio is much longer than Eunkoo's. I have heard a number of gripes from people over the years, ranging from Eunkoo should be featured more to I should step aside to give her more chances to be TNKR's public face.
I try to be patient when I hear the complaints. So many people in this world have superficial observations, Facebook-like instant responses based on their own biases without knowing a particular situation. Could it be possible that some people enjoy their work and aren't comfortable with attention?
Eunkoo's advocates/my critics don't want to hear it! I encourage them try to talk to Eunkoo. Surprise, surprise, she is too busy to answer such requests, and in some cases they are asking me because she didn't answer their offers to highlight her. When she receives requests from media? She doesn't answer, unless it features North Korean refugees, me, or helps TNKR in some clear way.
Want to receive her bio for a conference or speech opportunity? Good luck! You'd be better off waiting for the dog you don't have to bring you the newspaper you don't subscribe to.
* * *
They say they want to help, but need to learn the lesson: Not every damsel is in distress.
In most cases, it turns out that the people griping about Eunkoo not getting enough attention are multitasking by trying to knock me down a peg. They will start by saying they want to improve Eunkoo's bio, but they quickly will focus on cutting my bio!
When we received a request last week to work on our bios, it seemed to be deja vua all over again. And yes, the helpers were trying to balance our bios so they would be about the same length (meaning, mine needed to be cut to industry standards).
I recommended what I usually recommend: Take the time to interview Eunkoo. Otherwise, her bio will never get upgraded because she will ignore email requests. I posted her bio a few years ago, but that was after a battle with her insisting that she didn't need it and wishing I would leave her alone to do her work. I wrote her bio based on snippets I had heard from her, but moved on. We have many other things to do.
* * *
Charlotte (with some assistance from TNKR Academic Coordinator Janice Kim) took my advice. I have suggested it to others, but they followed through with the appropriate determination. They took the time to come to the office yesterday and spent more than an hour interviewing Eunkoo. I had warned them that it would be a challenge. They probably thought I was exaggerating. I took a break from my own work to watch the show, but I forgot to bring popcorn.
A wonderful thing about life is that I often get to say "I told ya so" because I base my analysis on what I see, observe and experience, not how I hope, wish or want things to be.
Eunkoo was like a boxer, ducking, bobbing and weaving. She was as comfortable discussing herself as someone wearing shoes two sizes too small. She was explaining why she didn't need to upgrade her bio. With all three of us pushing back, she reluctantly released more information about her life and professional career.
I laughed several times as Charlotte and Janice tried to squeeze information out of Eunkoo. Instead of a working professional discussing her career, Eunkoo seemed to be a guilty criminal being investigated by police holding incriminating evidence.
* * *
How could I be so confident that they would struggle getting information out of Eunkoo? Seven years of working with her! So many people do their superficial SNS level assessments based on the way they wish things could be, but they usually don't try to learn about WHY something is happening.
Eunkoo and I started working together in 2013. Our paths to that point could not have been more different. I had worked for years in think tanks, hosted a radio talk show, been a public figure and commentator, etc. I have been featured in media ranging from leftist Pacifica Radio, center left National Public Radio, conservative Rush Limbaugh, and third-party observer C-SPAN. I am willing to share my message and causes with almost anyone willing to give me a platform--it is great when it can energize at least one person into positive action.
Eunkoo had been working behind the scenes at an NGO and a government agency.
When we first started, she didn't want public attention for a clear reason: Korean employers don't look kindly upon Korean employees moonlighting or being engaged in volunteer or work activities outside of their paid job. If you have a problem at work, then people will knowingly talk about the alleged distractions of your outside activities.
When I first mentioned adding Eunkoo to interviews and media coverage, she made it clear she wasn't interested. There were two main reasons. 1) Her paid job. 2) She said she was shy. People don't believe it because many connect shy with being meek. She isn't meek, but she is not public and speaks freely only to the small circle around her.
She wasn't on Facebook, Instagram, or any other SNS. Outside of work, she spent time with her family and watched sports, especially baseball.
During 2014, TNKR started getting some attention, mainly because of Yeonmi Park. I was calling Eunkoo TNKR's "secret weapon." We were starting to get some attention, but she wasn't being included--by choice. I was telling her that she needed to be more of a public figure. People thought I was doing everything, but I would be sure to point out that I had a co-founder who was doing the hard work behind-the-scenes. After she began to open up somewhat to media, I even added her to my bio line at the Korea Times. Check to see how many columnists list others (scroll down to the bottom).
Not only were people getting the wrong perception, but I was getting attacked by idiot conspiracy theorists and North Korea sympathizers who were accusing me of brainwashing and ordering North Korean refugees to attack North Korea. And of course idiot reporters and expat commentators didn't know what to believe. I remember asking one of the idiots: "Do you think the refugees talking in Korean to Eunkoo Lee wouldn't say something to her in Korean about me brainwashing or pressuring them?"
The idiot responded: "Eunkoo who?"
I was telling Eunkoo that she needed to become more visible. TNKR could not grow larger if it seemed to be led only by an American man who was also a commentator. People on Facebook were wondering about the Korean woman that I was referring to, it seemed she was an invisible friend. I gave up asking her to join Facebook. Finally, I set up a Facebook account for Eunkoo and started tagging her. She didn't have to be active on Facebook, but she could be tagged in photos (photos she often didn't want to join and couldn't understand why we needed them).
I would tell her about the latest on Facebook, then finally one day she logged in. She wasn't into it. Months later, she finally started checking it more consistently, mainly after I would tell her that I had tagged her. I was telling her that I needed to confirm that I had gotten information correct. She wasn't interested, but she would check.
Finally, I found the right strategy: I told her that I needed her to "like" everything I posted and it would be helpful for her to leave a comment.
At last, she had a purpose for using Facebook!
I later set up an Instagram account for her. She rarely used it, but would check when I tagged her.
She finally got tired of Facebook, overwhelmed by direct messages from people. She suddenly declared one day that it was too much chitchat for her, that she was too concerned about TNKR's future to be chatting on Facebook. She asked me to shut down her Facebook account. She hadn't set it up, she hadn't wanted, and she didn't know how to shut it down.
* * *
One thing that irritates people is when I say that I, not Eunkoo, came up with the idea and strategy for TNKR.
I had been volunteering for a school for North Korean refugee adolescents, had gotten to know several different North Korean refugees including some who were fluent English speakers, and had realized that I could have a role. I had been engaging in activism, but then I heard from North Korean refugees who had escaped that they needed English, not air balloons or USB drives going to North Korea.
It was humbling, but I listened and adapted. Refugees needed English.
One day I told Eunkoo that we should start helping North Korean refugees with learning English. I was volunteering, but I thought more could be done. I asked if she would be interested in partnering with me. We would focus on adults rather than children. Eunkoo sprang into action, identifying five North Korean refugees who had been teachers in North Korea, but their English levels weren't high enough for them to become teachers in South Korea.
Looking back, all of TNKR's programs and big ideas came from me. If Eunkoo had been in charge, then TNKR would have been like a government agency. It probably would have attracted more funding and have the kinds of measurements that please donors, but would have struggled to attract North Korean refugees. How could I guess that? Based on working with her for seven years!
That's what had happened when she worked at a government agency. They struggled to find North Korean refugees and often had to compensate them for showing up to workshops and seminars. The reverse is true with TNKR--refugees come looking for us! She had once thought North Korean refugees were too passive to choose. Now she is overwhelmed by requests from North Korean refugees eager to join TNKR. It was TNKR that was the interruption in her life that has changed her thinking somewhat.
In our first year, we had many disputes about how to operate TNKR. The special features--refugees choosing the tutors, choosing as many tutors as they want, refugees choosing what they want to study, etc., had to overcome objections from Eunkoo. She doesn't talk about her credentials often, but when we were battling about TNKR's approach, she did focus on her credentials, telling me that I didn't understand North Korean refugees the way she did.
She later reversed, after hearing from North Korean refugees about how much they loved our approach. She had no shame about being wrong, that's how she started the TEDx Talk we did together (and she didn't want to do that either, by the way). She embraced a new approach, and began to reflect on her previous experiences with top-down approaches. People may have their thoughts and biases, but unlike some people who hold onto them regardless of new information, Eunkoo adapts when she believes in what is being done.
I mention all of that to make it clear: I am the pioneer, Eunkoo is the settler in TNKR.
In stories about heroes, change-makers, and historical figures, the focus is on pioneers, not settlers. I doubt there are many or any books titled:
* Great moments in bureaucratic history.
* Paperwork is better than real work.
* Bureaucratic heroes.
* How to build an organization to remain it compliance with numerous useless government mandates and paperwork.And if there have been any such books, I bet they weren't best-sellers, they were probably meant to be humorous or ironic, and probably self-published.
It is thinkers, pioneers, inspirational leaders who get the glory.
Martin Luther King Jr. is now considered to be one of history's greatest leaders. His lieutenant, Rev. Ralph Abernathy, is unknown outside of circles populated by historians and civil rights activists.
Frederick Douglass inspires people to this day--the numerous people (mainly women) who organized his internal affairs and made it possible for him to spend months on the speaking trail get occasional mentions, but mainly when it is titillating or gossipy.
I am sure there are other many other pioneers who had a settler or many settlers checking the details.
Pioneers and settlers are both necessary. Without backing, support, and the tools to make things operate, even the greatest of leaders could end up as helpless as Richard III proclaiming, "My kingdom for a horse."
Comedian Chris Rock once said he couldn't do anything on his own, he would go bankrupt even if he sold candy at an elementary school. I can relate to that, and often tell Eunkoo that I could do TNKR without her, but that it would be a logistical and organizational disaster.
Many people want Eunkoo to be a pioneer when the reality is that she is a settler. After our first year of battling, she wrote me a lovely email thanking me for my leadership and teaching her many things about leading an organization. The sheltered office worker was working with a street smart organizer. Despite her master's degrees, she was getting a real education.
Of course, the next email was probably a complaint about me changing something about our process.
Later, she said that she had not been ready for a leadership role, working with me allowed her to be in a co-leadership position without having all of the responsibility.
* * *
TNKR started humbly in 2013. When I began thinking that we could do something bigger with it, I proposed that we should give our activity a name that could attract volunteers. "Teach North Korean Refugees" would be plain, anyone could understand the goal. If we had a good approach, the refugees would find us, we didn't need to market to them. It was like the movie with the slogan, "If you build it, they will come."
I also suggested we give ourselves titles. I suggested co-directors.
Eunkoo said I should be the executive director, she would be the assistant director.
She said then that I was the real founder, so it would be appropriate for me to be the top executive. She also said it would be more interesting for Koreans to have an American who was a Harvard graduate to lead the organization.
I disagree strongly. We had been battling about many things, and this became another one. I insisted that we needed to be co-directors. South Koreans would not respect her if she didn't have a top title. And she also needed to let refugees in TNKR know that she was a co-director so they would respect her authority.
The titles didn't need to reference who was the founder. I had the original idea, but there can be two or more founders.
As tempting as it was for me to be directly involved with North Korean refugees on a daily basis, it would be better for Eunkoo to be established as the person interacting with refugees. More than 70% of refugees are females, so it would be better that they could talk directly to a South Korean female, and for that main point of contact to be a Korean speaker.
She insisted that I should be the executive director, so I finally agreed. But she didn't know I already had a plan. We had been disagreeing so much, so I just waited a few days for her to fall into my trap.
When we had another disagreement, I fired her.
I wasn't sure about her commitment, so I thought it would be a good time to test her.
She went into a rage. She couldn't believe I would fire her. TNKR was barely surviving, we didn't have good prospects, no infrastructure (no office, phone, website, budget, etc.), she had academic and work credentials in the North Korean studies field and refugee support network whereas I had just started. And here was an American with many crazy ideas but no structure firing her?
Yes! I fired her.
For a day, I was the only executive in TNKR. I reminded her that she had wanted me to be the executive director, so the executive director was firing the assistant director.
After disappearing, she came at me, saying I couldn't fire her. Smugly I asked, "Why not?"
She shouted into the phone, "I'm co-director!"
It was one of those moments with mixed emotions, like the old joke of the man seeing his hated mother-in-law drive off a cliff in his new Mercedes.
Seeing the many battles we have had over the years, I sometimes I wish I could take Eunkoo back in a time machine, and agree with her when she said she could be the assistant director, and I would be the executive director. At the least, I wouldn't have volunteers and passers-by accusing me of stealing all the glory and having a longer bio than an assistant director.
* * *
If you encountered me during late 2015 to early 2017, I asked you to donate and fundraise for TNKR. September 2015 was the first time that I asked volunteers point-blank to help support TNKR's pie-in-the-sky plan to become an official organization.
That was my most extreme fundraising phrase. If I didn't or haven't asked you to donate to TNKR, then I am asking you now. Some people don't like it, but I learned the lesson from one of my professors at Harvard. He told the story of a politician talking with a neighbor who was praising him to the heavens.
Politician: You are too kind, Mrs. O'Connor. Thank you so much for voting for me.
Mrs. O'Connor: Oh, I didn't vote for you.
Politician: What? You said all of those nice things about me. You said that I am changing the world. But you didn't vote for me. Why not?
Mrs. O'Connor: You didn't ask me.
After that, the story goes, the politician asked everyone he ever met to vote for him. After I joined the Washington Scholarship Fund in 1999 or 2000 as a member of the Young Executive Board, I noticed that many people said they didn't donate because no one asked them. After that, I began asking everyone. With every non-profit I have been a part of, I have asked people if they have donated. A few years ago, I was notorious for recruiting donors to the now-defunct Mulmangcho School. I am now probably notorious for constantly trying to raise money for TNKR.
If we had a funding source, as some idiot conspiracy theorists, idiot reporters, and idiot North Korea sympathizers talked about, I would not be wasting my time irritating volunteers asking them to fundraise or donate. I will ask anyone to support a cause I believe in. No one I know (5,000 Facebook friends, 4,000 TNKR people at the TNKR Facebook group, 3,000 at the TNKR Facebook page, more than 1,200 on the TNKR email list, etc.) can say, "I didn't know I could donate to TNKR." Because I do ask. If many of them gave $5 or $10 a month, TNKR would already be a wealthy organization.
I have said that I would even take money from the Ku Klux Klan, as long as I didn't have to attend a Klan meeting to receive the money.
My greatest accomplishment may be getting Eunkoo Lee to set up a fundraiser. She started with the excuses--she was too shy. She didn't use SNS. She didn't know how to fundraise. Etc., etc., etc.
After many trials-and-errors that had Eunkoo's head spinning, we had decided to make TNKR into an official organization. I talked with many people, but one prominent South Korean was convinced that TNKR would struggle with attracting funding. Korean individuals, businesses and large organizations would not want to support TNKR, and even said that Koreans would not want to support an organization run by a foreigner who wasn't a comedian, athlete or singer.
Eunkoo wasn't ready to be the organization's face attending meet-and-greets trying to attract donors. She wants to do THE WORK. Eunkoo thought we could acquire some support from foundations or government, but that we weren't strong enough as an organization. Plus, she had heard from contacts that Korean organizations were unlikely to support an organization with an American co-founder.
Finally, I concluded there would be one way: activate volunteers and fans to help us raise funding until we could get strong enough.
When I said it, it seemed that I was speaking an unknown language to Eunkoo. She said it was unheard of in South Korea to ask volunteers to engage in fundraising to support an organization.
I am not sure anyone has gone with such a grassroots approach, but I was going to try.
If you think it is great strategy, I would like to take you in that time machine back to that time period, because I was a man alone getting criticized from many sides.
Volunteers were dragging their feet in helping. Quoting some nonsense I had already heard more than a decade before, one volunteer told me directly: "I give my time, why should I give a dime."
It was clear they didn't know our situation, they were confusing us with million dollar organizations that could just plug in volunteers where needed. We were so grassroots that we even needed volunteers helping us pull up the weeds.
I heard about volunteers complaining to each other and spreading the word that I was trying to squeeze money out of them. When I told Eunkoo about it she was shocked and unsure the approach would work. In 2017, we were going to forget about things like gofundme or generosity, and try our own crowdfunding website. After the first month, it seemed the fundraising website we launched in early 2017 would fail. Few volunteers were willing to try, most just seemed to try to slip through, knowing that refugees were waiting to join and that eventually we would need to invite them.
We didn't have another way, so I risked public scorn to raise awareness about TNKR and strengthen our financial position.
Making TNKR into an official organization was the main reason I was so aggressive. I still remember the moment we had 37,000 won ($30) in the TNKR bank account. I told Eunkoo we could not survive like that. We couldn't even take refugees from a Matching session out to dinner. We had to become stronger.
There were some secondary reasons.
* One, as TNKR got stronger, refugees had more respect for us, in addition to loving us. When we had nothing, we looked like a social club. When we started to have expectations, the refugees raised their level of expectations. But we seemed to be mighty warriors going to battle with cardboard weapons.
* Two, as we got stronger, volunteers were more likely to listen to us. Many were serious, yes, but many also treated TNKR like a social club or an opportunity to pluck off a refugee or two and do what they wanted. We needed to strengthen our infrastructure and finances.
* Three: As TNKR grew stronger, it became clearer that we were an education organization, not a political, religious or ideological organization. Some idiot conspiracy theorists, idiot reporters, idiot North Korea sympathizers and idiot North Korea watchers must have realized by now they were wrong about our humble little project. At the least, they would grow bored of us and find other targets. Only one has ever apologized directly for believing wild accusations about me, the liars certainly have moved on to their usual wild claims about other things in this world. I can't be sure, because I blocked them and got back to work.
* Four: As TNKR got stronger as an organization, Eunkoo could commit more. She had worked at stable organizations. Everyone around her expected that of her. When she got deeply involved with TNKR, her parents, especially her father, were skeptical. When TNKR was featured on a cable TV special, her father said she was out of control. That golden moment could not have been scripted or planned, I am sure the cable TV people were high-fiving each other as her father blew up the scene.
TNKR was such a downgrade for Eunkoo in so many ways. It wasn't unusual for me, I had worked at really large organizations, but also had start-ups with only my only money financing things. I am like a leaf floating in the wind. Eunkoo was used to stable situations where start-ups tried to network with them.
Settlers don't jump off mountains or go into new territory alone. Pioneers must plant the flag or find the place for a settler to feel comfortable.
At the beginning of 2017, as TNKR started to get stronger, I wrote a column about the way Eunkoo had developed. I had shown her the column in advance to confirm she was okay with everything I had written, then the day after the column was published in the Korea Times, Eunkoo informed me that she was going to quit her paid job to volunteer at TNKR full-time.
The settler felt comfortable enough to move to the new territory.
* * *
Many people think that I work hard and that I am busy. That isn't true.
In college, I sometimes worked as a mover to make some extra cash. I know from experience that physical labor is hard. Construction work is hard. On the other hand, having meetings, writing columns and blogs, organizing, making and receiving phone calls, sending emails, posting and blogging, that isn't hard work. When we recently relocated the TNKR office, I was happy to watch others do the moving, thinking back to my college days as a part-time mover.
The heaviest thing I lifted during TNKR's move on March 9th was a stuffed teddy bear.
And busy? Do you think I would be too busy if Bill Gates called me offering $10 million for TNKR? We make time for that which we value. And the same with you--when something is in your interest, then you make time for it.
On the other hand, Eunkoo is busy. She is in a constant rush to finish assignments and tasks. She is stressed out as she is completing those tasks, worried that she won't finish ahead of schedule. Deadlines don't matter, Eunkoo is sprinting to finish once the bell has rung.
* * *
During our first year of working together, we had many disputes.
When we were finally working together in the same office, I predicted that the disputes would escalate.
I was right. Some people come along and say we work together well, which usually causes me to laugh out loud. I tell them, "You really need to hang around the office more." I may be in charge, but I'm not in control, as I have heard said by others.
Some people assume that Eunkoo listens to everything I say because I am the public face, but they don't realize that she comes to her senses to agree with me only after LONG arguments.,
In most cases, it isn't because of what she has heard from me, but rather, when others come along making the same point or refugees somehow support what I have said.
We have different approaches, this West shall never meet that East.
In the past when I recommended a change, she would go into a rage. She started calling me "Mr. Changeable," her first attempt to counter my constant nicknames for her.
I embraced it.
TNKR needed her to also be "changeable." It took her some time for her to realize that TNKR *must* constantly update. I would tell her: "You are not at a government agency with a huge budget. You are at learner-centered TNKR. That means we will build an organization around the needs of the refugees." She would say she understood or agreed, but her default was still top-down mode and she still has relapses when we encounter new situations. And she still would prefer to keep a set schedule, plan everything in advance.
With her government agency, they would set their plans and budget a year in advance, and they would be evaluated based on how they did what they said they were going to do. In that process, top-down is understandable.
At TNKR, we adapt along the way, we do our best to raise money along the way, we listen to the refugees, we do our best to stay involved with the refugees and tutors although some want to do their own thing. TNKR is like live jazz for me, improvised based on the moment. Thankfully, we have been able to attract enough funding to develop TNKR based on what we learn, rather than trying to satisfy foundations or agencies.
Eunkoo doesn't come up with ideas. She implements them. So much and so quickly that I tell her to slow down.
My approach is IADO: Input, Analysis, Decision, Output.
Eunkoo's approach is IO: Input, Output.
If Eunkoo had become a boxer, then when the bell rang, she would go charging across the ring, fists flying at her opponent. She wouldn't even study in advance about the other boxer, just charge ahead when it was fight time.
If I could convince Eunkoo that we needed to start executing volunteers, then she would quickly come up with a schedule with their names and execution times. She would do it fairly and orderly, and accept no exceptions or executions. If I suggested a change, then an argument would start about "Mr. Changeable" interrupting the schedule.
Once Eunkoo believes in something, or takes responsibility for something, then she focuses on completing it, no matter what. She hates people who just talk talk talk about what they want to do, she wants to organize then complete the assignment. People want her to take credit for papers and other documents she wrote or organized as lead researcher when she was with a government agency, but for her, it was just about completing the necessary tasks her supervisors had planned.
After working with her, I started calling her IAE, as in, Instant Action Eunkoo. She expects others to work hard also. That means she doesn't have time for chit-chat messages, she needs to complete tasks to keep TNKR alive.
* * *
TNKR is the first time for Eunkoo to be a public figure. Even after seven years, she has not embraced it. Others want her to be as comfortable behind a microphone or in dealing with media as I am, but it is not in her DNA.
I recognized there were some times that she needed to be with me for media interviews. But asking her to join was pointless. So I had to develop strategy: Tell media and organizations inviting me that Eunkoo would be joining. In many cases, they had no idea who she was. Then I would tell Eunkoo that the media or organization had invited her!
Yes, that's what I did!!!!
In one case, the station was completely unprepared, they had not understood that I meant she would be joining me as part of the interview. In another case, the host and show manager had to talk separately, they had agreed but they apparently didn't understand I really meant a joint interview. How many people, when invited for an interview, bring others with them? I waited, determined that she would be joining, ready to walk off the set if they said no. Finally, they brought out another chair, and we had a fun interview, they agreed it was better with the interaction.
Instead of telling Eunkoo that it would be helpful or important, I started telling her that she had the responsibility to join me in media sometimes. TNKR needed her to be public sometimes. In one case, she saved me. I was blindsided by a radio reporter on TBS eFM 101.3 who was portraying my column about Eunkoo as being an attack. I had read some knuckleheads on line saying the same thing, it is amazing how expat pundits have so many similar stupid thoughts, they must trade notes of misinformation at the press club drinking sessions. It is amazing how superficial people make judgments about people and situations they don't know about, but nonetheless have strong baseless opinions or assertions.
Thankfully, Eunkoo was there to make it clear that she enjoyed the column and that I had shown it to her in advance. The station had not wanted her on with me, but I had insisted, and it helped me from looking defensive about the reporter's attempt to blindside me. I reminded her at that time that she may think I enjoy engaging with media, but it isn't true. It is necessary for TNKR, but I would prefer to be writing my own columns, blog posts, or playing video games.
* * *
Eunkoo doesn't enjoy media. If I start playing previous interviews, she will leave the room, complaining that she doesn't want to hear herself. She doesn't keep track of any interviews, she rarely watches any. One day I set one of the interviews up full screen on her computer to be playing as she walked in. If she cursed, then it would have been with as much fury as if I had slammed her hand in a car door on purpose.
After greeting reporters, she will turn her back and get back to work.
I will usually find an excuse for them to ask her a question, and sometimes she would be engaged in the conversation, but the clock is always ticking, and she is eager to get back to work.
She decorated the office with photos of me in various activities. I checked, she didn't want to be featured in the office. At our new office, I ordered the staff to print out photos of refugee speakers in TNKR.
When I was invited to give a TEDx Talk, I pushed her to join. She fought her against it, but then I told her that the TEDx organizer was expecting her to join. Then I enlisted a TNKR volunteer to coach her for the speech and to also lobby for her to speak. I can always count on people to want her to join me on stage so I don't get all of the glory!
I leave her with no options, letting her know that others are asking or expecting her to speak on behalf of TNKR, so she had a duty to do so. I hate to give away this strategy, but I also realize that outsiders have plenty of answers without knowing the questions or context.
As someone who is used to public speaking, giving up half of your speech and then having to role play rather than doing your own thing can be difficult. I thought it was important with a TEDx Talk for Eunkoo to be part of it, so I pushed her to join me on stage.
I am amazed after I set the conditions for Eunkoo to be comfortable on stage or at the microphone that I hear complaints that I didn't give her enough time to talk! I know she wants a moment to compose her thoughts in English, so I will answer first. If you see any of our events with refugee speakers, I recognize my place, so I answer AFTER the refugees answer first, adding context, statistics, anecdotes and broader points as necessary.
It is amazing how superficial people make judgments about people and situations they don't know about, but nonetheless have strong baseless opinions or assertions. If I had let Eunkoo have things her way, she would NEVER participate in any interviews or speeches.
It is amazing how passers-by and observers have such strong opinions, assertions and complaints about things they don't know about.
* * *
Eunkoo was avoiding media in our early days. But eventually word was going to get out to her colleagues about what she was doing. She was mentioned in an article or show, some of her colleagues saw it and praised her. They had no idea that she was volunteering at an organization she had started. The quiet diligent office worker had helped start an NGO on the side?
I don't recall if her supervisor said anything. Still, Eunkoo felt encouraged. She continued working hard at her government agency job, but the secret was out. And she had gotten a good response from colleagues who praised her for volunteering. She started to apply things she had learned at TNKR to her government agency job.
Still, she didn't seek to engage reporters, she was happy to translate when Korean reporters came looking for me.
* * *
All of that above is context of me getting an email recently asking if it would be okay to update our bios--mine would be cut to the industry standard, and Eunkoo's would be expanded to be balanced with mine.
After they finished the interview yesterday, I said: Yes, expand Eunkoo's bio, and no, I am not going to limit my bio to balance with hers or anyone else's.
I haven't gotten to where I am in life by following anyone else's formula or restrictions. As I have been telling editors for two decades: "Let me die with my own words."
Back in 2016, I was asked to apply for a job by a professor who had seen me give a couple of speeches. I was asked to submit EVERY article, paper, or speech I had done in my career. They wanted to hire me, but I needed to present that.
I was looking through the Internet trying to find the world's longest bio or C.V. Clicking around, I came across a colleague with a 64 page C.V.
My bio and career didn't add up to 64 pages, but it wasn't the standard one-pager either. I got the job.
Then one day when one of our volunteers wanted to upgrade our Website, I decided to post that list. I had links to many of those items--and promptly crashed our Website. After trying a few times, we deleted the links, and the website survived.
I haven't updated that career backgrounder since 2016, but I have been inspired by this process with Eunkoo that I will start updating again. I wonder how close I will get to 64 pages, and how many complaints I will get from others about how long the bio and career backgrounder are.
I have had a career as a public speaker, writer, editor, activist, researcher, analyst, commentator, radio host, reporter, organizer, etc., while being located in two different countries, with some of those activities overlapping with me living in one country but being active in another one. I had been out of the USA for two years when one of my colleagues asked if we could meet for lunch, he wanted me to help with a research project.
I told him that I was interested in helping with the research, but lunch might be a bit difficult. I was living in Seoul, not Washington, D.C. Others have told me that I respond faster to messages despite a 13 or 14 hour time difference than people down the street from them. Until about 2017, I was active in both South Korea and the USA, but now I have settled down here in Seoul.
There's no reason for me to cut back on my resume or bio in order to balance with anyone.
* * *
In the book "The End of Blackness," super thoughtful author Debra Dickerson asked: "Why can't black people just be?" As I recall, her point was that people are always pushing and trying to use black people for various causes. Why can't black people just be individuals, be themselves? Well, she may have written that in the book, or she may have asked the question in a forum I organized with her about 15 years ago.
I thought about that when I noticed that people were trying to get Eunkoo to be what she is not. Why can't Eunkoo just be? She is not interested in being a public figure. She's not trying to be a public speaker. She is not trying to put together a fancy bio. She wants to do the work to keep TNKR alive.
Without understanding her, they want her to be what they want her to be.
The same with funders, activists, feminists, and others with comments based on situations and people they don't know.
On Friday, Eunkoo came to the office, thrilled. Seoul City Hall had approved us to use the location we moved to as our official business. Eunkoo keeps track of such paperwork, mandates, compliance issues.
My response: "Oh, right, you did mention something about that. I guess the investigator I took a photo of didn't block us."
Eunkoo had mentioned that paperwork issue to me, but she might as well as have handed me a paper airplane and asked me to fly it out the window. It is a strange process--investigators come out to check your location AFTER your financially weak organization has transferred $20,000 to a landlord, secured and moved into a different location, moved out of your previous location that may already have a new buyer. Eunkoo was greatly concerned for several days, while I let her know that I would be protesting at City Hall if they didn't approve the location.
If she hadn't taken care of that and other issues, the pioneer and the organization that he proposed seven years before would have been out on the street long ago. Pioneers need settlers.
If it had been up to me, we probably would have gotten evicted from our first office or condemned by the city.
I don't keep track of details like that, but for Eunkoo it is a big deal. These days she is really concerned about TNKR's future. We have lost some of our contracts and financial deals with partners that we had gained because of my public activities. She is focused on us writing proposals to big foundations.
Every day she talks with North Korean refugees studying in TNKR. Before we had the interview with Charlotte and Janice yesterday, she had an orientation in the morning with North Korean refugees joining TNKR. Eunkoo was thrilled about some of the feedback we received from refugees, it was validation of the approach she initially opposed but has embraced as she has seen positive outcomes and refugee enthusiasm. She didn't develop TNKR's structure or vision, but she is damned good at implementing and enforcing it.
I once read that the iron lady Margaret Thatcher said, "If you want an opinion, ask a man. If you want to get something done, ask a woman."
That is true in TNKR! You will never see this kind of blog or SNS post from Eunkoo Lee, and I wasn't confident she would read all of it (she did, I insisted she had to make sure I didn't miss details and she needed to add necessary points or rebuttals). She is not the mastermind behind TNKR, she hasn't developed strategy or vision. Others want her to focus on media or public speaking and other things she is not interested in. They can't just let her be. When we had an interview with Arirang TV, she said that I was TNKR's brain, and she was the arms and legs. She had not been invited to be on the show, but I deftly maneuvered for her to be on the show.
In this world, people focus on the head, the brain. Being the arms and legs, getting things done internally doesn't sound glamorous in a bio, at least not without a lot of descriptive adjectives.
Eunkoo never would have started TNKR on her own, but it certainly would not have survived without her.
* * *
Charlotte and Janice did it! They spent more than an hour with Eunkoo pulling information out of her. I think they could see that I was not exaggerating about her reluctance.
I was laughing and taking photos, knowing how much Eunkoo was doing her best to resist without being rude. She had battled me in the past, insisting media was my thing, thanking me when I did not involve her.
It was more difficult for her to avoid with Charlotte and Janice trying so hard to feature her.
I heard Eunkoo repeat excuses from years ago about why she doesn't need to be featured, why she doesn't need media, why she prefers working behind-the-scenes. I know she had our next meeting on her mind, she had kept reminding me the day before that I needed to be at the office (on Saturday) for it. She had squeezed in the meeting with Charlotte and Janice. She had a to-do list of tasks even on a Saturday afternoon after we both worked the last 12 days without a break.
Others have griped about Eunkoo not being featured enough (and about me allegedly hogging too much of the alleged glory). Charlotte and Janice held steady, rebuffed Eunkoo's attempts to evade them, then finally got information out of her to make a solid bio that Charlotte wrote up for us to edit.
They don't know how difficult it is to get Eunkoo to sit down to talk about herself, what an achievement it was.
I reviewed the draft of Eunkoo's bio, last night I told Eunkoo about some of the needed changes that I had detected, but that she had to read it carefully. When I checked with Eunkoo this morning, she still hadn't read it. I guess I should have mentioned to Charlotte and Janice that they may need to return, go line-by-line of the bio with Eunkoo?
Finally, after I insisted that she read it, Eunkoo said she will check the bio on Monday, but then she reminded me about our schedule on Monday.
Eunkoo wasn't interested in talking about her past accomplishments within a government agency or a previous NGO when she was just following orders as an employee. She takes great pride in her role in helping to develop TNKR, the way she has personally developed, and that she has been the arms and legs helping TNKR survive.
Every damsel is not in distress. Sometimes they are living the lives they want, even if there are some would-be rescuers focused on people not seeking assistance. I hope no one worries that I am not doing enough paperwork, and starts to arrange for trucks of paperwork to be dumped around the TNKR office for me to process.
* * *
In 2017 when I was in extreme fundraiser mode, I struggled with getting volunteers to set up fundraisers. My greatest success story: Eunkoo Lee set up a fundraiser.
It was half of an accomplishment, because she set up the fundraiser, but the only people she asked to donate to it were her family members. She is comfortable with a small circle around her, but doesn't venture out beyond that. I don't recall her posting it on Facebook or anywhere.
She would, however, SHARE her fundraiser after I posted it. That's right, she wouldn't post her own fundraiser, but she would share my post about it!
I shared her fundraiser everywhere. I don't remember which time it was, after a media story or that fundraiser, but I remember her checking her SNS media and saying, "My goodness. My face is everywhere." She was so embarrassed, and closed each window when her face popped up. The first time it happened, she kept saying she is shy, that she is not used to being so public.
She titled her fundraiser: "TNKR is my new life." She had always enjoyed watching baseball, but she had never played it. When I asked, it turned out that she had never even held a baseball bat, glove, or ball. So I bought them for her for her birthday. We used that photo for her fundraiser, of her awkwardly holding the bat. If she had swung it, she probably would have injured herself.
It may not be the kind of life that others want for her, but she is enjoying her role as a settler being the arms and legs of TNKR.
"TNKR is my new life."