Random Roundup of White Suspects

Looking to spice up your next dinner party? Want to give your guests an experience they’ll never forget?

Well, then hire me to pretend to rob all of you!

It would be the latest in party tricks. Make your reservations with me now and you could have me rob you and your guests during your next birthday party, Thanksgiving dinner, and Christmas party, all for the low price of whatever your guests have on them at the time. If the story gets reported in the Washington Post then I get a bonus of $10,000.

I mention that because a few days ago the Washington Post had an article about a thief who had second thoughts. Hopefully they were his fourth or fifth thoughts, because you would hope someone had already had second thoughts about pulling a gun on a group of folks at a house party.

According to the Washington Post: A grand feast of marinated steaks and jumbo shrimp was winding down, and a group of friends was sitting on the back patio of a Capitol Hill home, sipping red wine. Suddenly, a hooded man slid in through an open gate and put the barrel of a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest.

"Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," he demanded, according to D.C. police and witness accounts.

But then, after one of the guests offered the criminal a drink—which he drank, and liked—the criminal then asked for a group hug (which they gave him). Unfortunately, they didn’t grab the criminal and hold him down for the police.

A few random thoughts:

1) There is no description of the would-be robber in the story. He took off his hood after deciding not to shoot the kid. It is certainly nice that there was a happy ending to the story, but the next time around, the guests may not have the kind of wine that the would-be robber likes.

2) I would still like for the criminal to be caught. I do worry, however, that some soft-headed people might want the guy to be given some type of a reward for not robbing the folks or shooting the kid.

3) Perhaps the would-be robber will have his own reality series. He’ll pull his gun on small children, but in the end, cook dinner or help his victims decorate their bedrooms.

4) The headline “a gate-crasher’s change of heart,” is just a little too nice, shows too soft of a side of a crime. In the same edition of the Washington Post, on page three, we read, "Man Rapes Woman After Offer Of Ride.”

5) I’m sure the editors struggled with which story to put on the front of the metro section, the story about the thoughtful criminal who decided not to shoot the 14-year-old in the head (which was on B1) or the rapist (which was on B3).

6) I can understand trying to write about such an off-the-beaten path story. Still, it would have made more sense to write the story from the perspective of the quick-thinking guest, not about the criminal's "change of heart."

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Anyway, if you don’t want to hire me to pretend to rob you and your guests, I can always become a state senator in New Jersey. That’s because there will soon be a job opening. A state senator there, Sharpe James, who previously announced he would not seek re-election has just been indicted by a grand jury.

Of course, in New Jersey, getting indicted by a grand jury is a resume enhancer. James has been charged, among many things, with using city credit cards for more than $58K in personal expenses during trips to such drab locations as Martha’s Vineyard, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, and Rio de Janeiro. I’ve never looked into buying a yacht or a Rolls-Royce, so I don’t know if it is crazy for James (who earns $49,000 a year as a state senator and collects an annual pension of about $125,000 from screwing up Newark as its mayor for three decades) to have a home on the Jersey shore with a yacht, a Rolls-Royce, and more than $1 million in a retirement account.

But I guess that having a million in a retirement account could help explain why James, who is 71, was accompanied by eight different women on the trips.

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By the way, if you’re someone who believes that the Washington Post ignores crimes committed by white people…then the Friday the 13th edition is for you! Based on the crimes, we could even say that white people are having a long, hot summer!

Man Rapes Woman After Offer of Ride

According to the Post: “Police said the suspect is a white man of about 33 with a heavy build. He told the woman that his name is John.”

Taco Bell Robber Posed as Health Inspector

“The robber was described as a white man about 35 years old, with blond hair and hazel eyes and wearing a dark green suit, white shirt and blue tie. He did not leave a business card.”

By the way, who ever said that reporters don’t have a sense of humor? The criminal “did not leave a business card” as a piece of news?

Assault on 9-Year-Old Investigated

“Police described the man as about 30 years old, 6 feet tall and weighing 170 pounds, with a dark complexion and slight facial hair.”

Oops! Dark complexion? How did that get in there? Oh, well, so dark doesn’t necessarily mean black or Hispanic, but perhaps dark in a Hollywood kind of way...